How to talk to your parents about moving

You may feel that your aging parent is no longer safe in the home they have been living in for many years. Or, you may think your parent has become isolated since their spouse died and would be happier living with people in closer proximity. But you may be uncertain about how to approach the conversation with them.

It can be very challenging to talk to an aging relative about the possible need to move from their current residence to a new home.



Here are some tips for starting the conversation with someone who does not have significant cognitive decline.

1. Before having the conversation, think about all of the reasons they may not want to move. Then determine if you can find solutions for some of their concerns. For example, if they are concerned about meeting people or about how their routine will change, give some thought to how you might be able to assist them with this. Anticipating their concerns prior to talking to your aging relative may help you be more relaxed and more emotionally present when talking to them.


2. When you do decide to talk with them, begin by acknowledging how difficult the conversation is for both of you. As appropriate, acknowledge their concerns about moving right from the start. For example, you may say something like, “Mom, I know you have lived in this house for 40 years and you have loved living here, so I know that thinking about living anywhere else is probably very, very difficult. And I want you to know that this conversation is difficult for me to have, too. Because I know that talking about change always brings up mixed emotions.”


3. Then explain why you think it is such an important conversation to have. Again, you might say something like, “even though it is very hard for both of us to talk about the possibility of you moving, I really think it is important we do so now because I am starting to worry about your safety in this house given your recent falls.”


4. Reassure them that your number one goal is their happiness and their safety; you are not trying to take over their lives. Saying something like, “my goal is to help you maintain your independence and freedom; and sometimes a move actually increases people’s freedom,” can help to ease their concern. You might want to share an example of someone who moved and experienced an increase in freedom. Personally, I know countless examples of this. Recently I was chatting with a man who, along with his wife, had decided to sell their home of 30 years and move into assisted living. He told me that now that they are free from the responsibilities of cooking and maintaining their home, they are doing more of the things they enjoy and spending more time with friends.


5. Ask them for their concerns about moving and help them come up with solutions that would work for them. Or, tell them the things you were wondering if they were concerned about and share your thoughts about how you might help them resolve these concerns. This will demonstrate that you truly are thinking about this from their viewpoint.


6. Remember to be gentle, to frame the situation from their perspective, and to avoid trying to prove them wrong or prove why they “have to” move. Think about how you would feel if someone approached you that way. Remember, the goal is for them to feel in control of their lives and for you to support their independence. The most important part of this conversation is tone of voice and body language. Even if you say all of the right words but your tone conveys that you are trying to push them into a decision, they will respond to your tone rather than your words.

Although these conversations can be challenging, with a little preparation and a respectful and compassionate perspective, you may find that your aging relative is grateful for the opportunity to think through what is best for them with someone who they trust and who they know has their best interest at heart.

Dr. Amy

www.dramycaregiving.com